Jason::Adams

 

I drove home from the mastermind meeting today with my headphones on.  It’s probably pretty dangerous driving with your ipod blasting, but its nice to be in your own little world as you drive through life.  I thought about all fo the ways people are in their own little worlds.  Think about the surfers who only care about getting to the water as much as possible.  Their life is content with just striving to get as much time in the water as possible.  They find peace in surfing.  How simple is that?  Doesnt it refresh you to know that you could just take up surfing and probably find a lifetime love?
I caught myself getting out of the car, and started appreciating the night.  I ended up looking at the starry sky and thinking about the days when I was younger and my neighbor down the street would have a night with lawnchairs where everyone just talked and looked at the stars.  It’s interesting to think how much people can really influence you as a kid, the random people I met in my life, had a huge influence on my life… I suppose I’m lucky to have been lead on my path.  It’s nice to realize that you don’t need all of the stuff your striving for, and you can be just as happy with friends looking at the beautiful sky above you.  How amazing is it where you live? Look up above, look at the stars shining bright millions of miles away.  The universe is a vast place, and seeing that much space, that much DESIGN, makes you feel small yet special at the same time.  I’m happy to be here, and thats all that really matters.

-ROBERT FROST

The mastermind was inspiring as usual, it mainly gave me an opportunity to express the frustration and simultaneous excitement I had for life at the moment.  I talked about the internet marketers I had met, and all of the opportunities I find myself being presented with.  I ended up realizing that the source of my frustration is KNOWING that in all my possible path options, that I KNOW that one of them leads me to success.  I feel that I could have the money and resources I need, I just need to pick the right path.  Choosing is a hard thing to do.  Spent time after the meeting talking with Nick and Amit about possibilities, where we were at in our lives.  Nick mentioned the possibility of us all moving in together, and If I was going to move in with anyone they would probably be an ideal group of people.  I respect and value my friendships with both amit and nick, feels like a deadly combo.  In some ways I’m also afraid that something as small as my stupid living habits, could possibly destroy such a great relationship.  Maybe this is motivation for me to develop strong living habits, that are conducive to the people I live with appreciating me.  Who knows where my life will lead, atleast its comforting to know that I’ll always have surfing and the stars.

So ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always been scared of death.  I remember nightly before going to sleep, wishing individually for everyone i loved not to die.  I’m more scared of my loved ones dieing.  I realize now  while living by myself, that I’m still very much scared of death.  The more I think about it, the more scared I get,the more I read about it, the bleaker things seem to be…. I search online to see peoples thoughts on death, and the only way people are coping is by believing in some religion or by believing that their is life after death?  Am I supposed to trick myself into believing to calm my soul?  I seem to believe that at any moment, I or my loved ones could go. And after that, there is nothing.  Even stories fade, after 3 generations no one will be thinking of me after I’m gone.  This is all rather depressing to think about, but I feel like It’s something I need to think about, something I need to learn to deal with.  This feels like something that could cripple me emotionally and I need to be stronger, I need to have an understanding with my lovedones about that inevitable act.  Maybe I’ll have a talk with my Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister…. but have they ever thought about it?? Do they really want to hear it? Do I really want to hear what they have to say?

Death sucks man.

Well I just spent about 30 minutes writing up one of the best blogs Ive ever written, only to have the wireless card bail out on me, and lose all of my post. From now on i will be copying my posts before hitting any buttons. Dammit.

 So what puts me into this weird self ware state? Sometimes after listenting to a good song (Lamb - Gabrielle) or watching a random hollywood movie, I will find myself somewhat inspired.  I feel like Ive lost something, or realized that I have something to find.  Sometimes I feel its my old “hollywood perfection ideals” self coming back up.  In the hollywood movies everything is so perfect, love always works out, and things always go as planned.  As a kid I always loved these movies, in fact I loved the happy ending so much, that if everything in the movie didnt work out, it was instantly a bad movie for me.  I always have to finish every story to the end, to make sure it ends happy.  The movies give you that “hope” for something perfect in life.  Im always striving to have that perfect life, to not waste my time here on earth…. It’s hard to watch these movies now realizing that life isnt perfect…. sometimes you can find that perfection in a MOMENT, but moments change, life is fluid, emotions become astir, situations become boring, people tiresome.  The world isn’t perfect, and you don’t have complete control.  Sometimes things may work out perfectly for you, but thats luck.  I don’t have control over that hollywood movie ending in my life.  I can work as hard as I can to make things beautiful, to make things wonderful, but I always will run into problems.  Maybe its the achievement of overcoming your problems that is the entertaining part of human tragedy.  Why odes all the trendy stuff have the perfect ending, the typical plot twists, the usual story lines.  What would a movie with untold realism be like? Does anyone want to see the guy not get the girl? Does anyone want to watch the heroines life turn to dust as his loved ones suddenly die? Is the harsh realism in life better left untold, and pushed far away into the depth of your subconcious… At any given moment their are millions of other entities, life beings, frames of reality, and at any moment one of thease realities could collide…. how much of your life is left not under your control? Where are you being led in life? Can i really believe in and leave a life led by fate? destiny? Everyone elses reality will affect my own, how much control do I have then?

 What do I hope to gain out of life? There are tons of questions in this passage.  Im sad that I lost everything i posted earlier, but Im glad I will have this in replacement, something completely different.  This passage will be a reminder to copy everything I write into a backup file.  It will also show what I hope future passages to be like.  I want to ask myself lots of questions, and then answer them.  What questions would i ask to figure out the depths about a person? Now how can I ask these questions of myself?  What do I hope to achieve? Where do I hope to travel too? What do I want in a woman? What do I want in any relationship? What values in people do I respect? How much respect will I have for myself? What standards and expectations will I set of people in my life? What do I want in my social circle? What is love? Pair bonding? How unromantic.  Romanticism? Is it false hope? Have I killed the cheap romantic within? Questions, a beautiful thing. This question mark is going to be worn out on my computer. Fuck it. In the blink of an eye, I will have never existed, barely left a mark on the world. I will be dead and gone, the people I know and love, dead and gone, just a faint memory, or a name to be slowly traded around between family. Yet I am really happy with life. Perspective. Honesty. Ego.

Damn straight.

Just finished watching the snowboarding movie “First Descent”.  It was a movie about several pro snowboarders, some new, some old (Two 18 year old kids considered to be the best in the world, FRIGGIN 18 years old, what are you doing with your life?)… making a conquest to ride some of the last mountains to never be ridden before.  I wrote this message to Sean shortly after watching the movie:

 ORBITAL    264: the possibilities in your life are endless sean, had you made 1 different choice previously, at this exact moment in time you could be standing on top of a mountain no man has snowboarded before, you could be the first person to ride that mountain.  The fresh air, the adrenaline pumping, exhilirating feeling of being the explorer, being the pioneer, all because you made ONE different choice. What choices did you make today?

 Just reflects how I felt after watching the movie…. inspired …. frustrated …. amazed.  It’s just inspiring to think about how ENDLESS the possibilities are for your life, had you decided to go snowboarding with some friends, you could become the worlds greatest snowboarder.  How different is Shaun White’s reality than mine? He’s 18 years old, and he sees a mountain that no one has ever had the balls to ride before, and he says “Fuck it, I’m going to do it.” ACTION, once again making the difference between champ and chump.  Eighteen Years Old and he decides hes better than any man before him.  Amazing things the body and mind can do together.  The only problem? Making my own life one worth remembering… Making my life a life full of  ACTION rather than INFORMATION.  Why am I not amazing at Snowboarding? Why am I not a proffesional Sky Diver?  What other things have I left to experience in life, and how many days do I have to experience these things? I don’t think I have enough time, so how can I rationalize what Ive been doing as of lately? Sitting around, barely paying attention to my studies, passing by, getting this “Paper” degree….. All for what? To please OTHER people, to convince SOMEONE ELSE that I’m good enough to be hired?  I can’t help like their’s some sort of an EGO issue, when Im working to please other people, so that I can work for them.   Hard to put into words, but thats exactly why I’m writing more often, to learn how to put things in my head onto paper.  I feel I have alot to live for, and I have alot I can leave this world.  Somewhere along the line, I’m going to be considered a Pioneer….. In what? ….. Who knows? ….. but I will make my mark on this world.  The Key? ………………..ACTION……………………

 

Heres the monologue I gave in improv acting!

My name is Jason. My life is a flow. My life is streaming thought. Whatever I think I do. I’m impulsive. I have ADD. I have had more hobbies than most of you will have in your entire life. Im going to have even more hobbies. My mind leads in mysterious places. One thought, will naturally lead to a not so natural next thought.

Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all, I resent the term. As far as I’m concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, billions of things happening all at once, who can pay attention to anything for very long. Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn excitedly? As far as I can see, many people who don’t have ADD are charter members of the Consistantly Boring.

In some ways it’s like being super - charged all the time.  You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you’ve got another idea before you’ve finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely.

Plus, your spilling over all the time.  You’re drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, hummin a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, making faces, scratching, stretching, doodling, beatboxing, dancing, spinning and all the while people think you’re not paying attention or that your not interested, when really al I’m doing is spilling over so that I can pay attention.  I can pay a lot better attention when I’m taking a walk or listenting to music or even when I’m in a crowded, noisy room than when I’m still and surrounded by silence. God save me from the reading rooms. Have you been in the torture hall that is our Library? How is a guy supposed to pay attention, whether its interesting conversation or one of the many beautiful sdsu girls, Im doing anything and everything but what Im supposed to be doing.

I’m happy to be who I am. I am easily entertained. Everything excites me, the fresh air at 5 am in the morning after camping gives me an indescribable rush. I have just as much fun sitting on the floor of my room as I do jumping out of an airplane 10k feet in the air. My ADD has taught me the art of perspective.  I’ve learned to find the good in any situation, and im learning to harness my energy.  Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode with happiness, excitement, sillyness, energy.  My friends think I’m crazy. After a long night of drinking in Mexico I’ll suddenly get the urge to run at 5 in the morning.  Sometimes I’m sitting in class and I cant just help but laugh, because im just so happy about the smallest of things. When deciding what to do for this assignment I had three almost finished presentations before I decided to just talk. I wrote the things I was going to say today, the night before I was supposed to present it, when I had three perfectly good other ideas practiced and ready to go. It was hard to pick one thing about me because there are so many things, so I figured Id tell you about the reason its so hard to pick one important thing. I may have trouble staying focused, but atleast I know that nothing will change how happy and excited I am to live life.

(The crazyness that ensues in acting classes.)

I was just thinking about how bullshit some peoples thought are on Sex.  Girls call other girls “Sluts” for being promiscuous. They claim that pornography is degrading. Nudity is degrading, obscene, etc.  Who the hell are these people that think they have the right to judge sex? Do they own sex, did they create sex? Who are they to defy nature and the will of our humanity? Nature tells me to bone. I bone. Am I going to believe Sally Sue, or that forever wise Mother Nature. Sex isn’t bad, it isnt obscene, its not grotesque, and no one is certainly any less for submitting to their urges. Rather than hide our urges, why not worship, revere, make it spiritual and emotional like it should be. We’ve been having sex for millions of years, whos to say that we should be ashamed of it now?