Jason::Adams

 

I drove home from the mastermind meeting today with my headphones on.  It’s probably pretty dangerous driving with your ipod blasting, but its nice to be in your own little world as you drive through life.  I thought about all fo the ways people are in their own little worlds.  Think about the surfers who only care about getting to the water as much as possible.  Their life is content with just striving to get as much time in the water as possible.  They find peace in surfing.  How simple is that?  Doesnt it refresh you to know that you could just take up surfing and probably find a lifetime love?
I caught myself getting out of the car, and started appreciating the night.  I ended up looking at the starry sky and thinking about the days when I was younger and my neighbor down the street would have a night with lawnchairs where everyone just talked and looked at the stars.  It’s interesting to think how much people can really influence you as a kid, the random people I met in my life, had a huge influence on my life… I suppose I’m lucky to have been lead on my path.  It’s nice to realize that you don’t need all of the stuff your striving for, and you can be just as happy with friends looking at the beautiful sky above you.  How amazing is it where you live? Look up above, look at the stars shining bright millions of miles away.  The universe is a vast place, and seeing that much space, that much DESIGN, makes you feel small yet special at the same time.  I’m happy to be here, and thats all that really matters.

-ROBERT FROST

The mastermind was inspiring as usual, it mainly gave me an opportunity to express the frustration and simultaneous excitement I had for life at the moment.  I talked about the internet marketers I had met, and all of the opportunities I find myself being presented with.  I ended up realizing that the source of my frustration is KNOWING that in all my possible path options, that I KNOW that one of them leads me to success.  I feel that I could have the money and resources I need, I just need to pick the right path.  Choosing is a hard thing to do.  Spent time after the meeting talking with Nick and Amit about possibilities, where we were at in our lives.  Nick mentioned the possibility of us all moving in together, and If I was going to move in with anyone they would probably be an ideal group of people.  I respect and value my friendships with both amit and nick, feels like a deadly combo.  In some ways I’m also afraid that something as small as my stupid living habits, could possibly destroy such a great relationship.  Maybe this is motivation for me to develop strong living habits, that are conducive to the people I live with appreciating me.  Who knows where my life will lead, atleast its comforting to know that I’ll always have surfing and the stars.

So ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always been scared of death.  I remember nightly before going to sleep, wishing individually for everyone i loved not to die.  I’m more scared of my loved ones dieing.  I realize now  while living by myself, that I’m still very much scared of death.  The more I think about it, the more scared I get,the more I read about it, the bleaker things seem to be…. I search online to see peoples thoughts on death, and the only way people are coping is by believing in some religion or by believing that their is life after death?  Am I supposed to trick myself into believing to calm my soul?  I seem to believe that at any moment, I or my loved ones could go. And after that, there is nothing.  Even stories fade, after 3 generations no one will be thinking of me after I’m gone.  This is all rather depressing to think about, but I feel like It’s something I need to think about, something I need to learn to deal with.  This feels like something that could cripple me emotionally and I need to be stronger, I need to have an understanding with my lovedones about that inevitable act.  Maybe I’ll have a talk with my Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister…. but have they ever thought about it?? Do they really want to hear it? Do I really want to hear what they have to say?

Death sucks man.

“Self improvement is masturbation, self destruction is the answer.”

 — Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Well I just spent about 30 minutes writing up one of the best blogs Ive ever written, only to have the wireless card bail out on me, and lose all of my post. From now on i will be copying my posts before hitting any buttons. Dammit.

 So what puts me into this weird self ware state? Sometimes after listenting to a good song (Lamb - Gabrielle) or watching a random hollywood movie, I will find myself somewhat inspired.  I feel like Ive lost something, or realized that I have something to find.  Sometimes I feel its my old “hollywood perfection ideals” self coming back up.  In the hollywood movies everything is so perfect, love always works out, and things always go as planned.  As a kid I always loved these movies, in fact I loved the happy ending so much, that if everything in the movie didnt work out, it was instantly a bad movie for me.  I always have to finish every story to the end, to make sure it ends happy.  The movies give you that “hope” for something perfect in life.  Im always striving to have that perfect life, to not waste my time here on earth…. It’s hard to watch these movies now realizing that life isnt perfect…. sometimes you can find that perfection in a MOMENT, but moments change, life is fluid, emotions become astir, situations become boring, people tiresome.  The world isn’t perfect, and you don’t have complete control.  Sometimes things may work out perfectly for you, but thats luck.  I don’t have control over that hollywood movie ending in my life.  I can work as hard as I can to make things beautiful, to make things wonderful, but I always will run into problems.  Maybe its the achievement of overcoming your problems that is the entertaining part of human tragedy.  Why odes all the trendy stuff have the perfect ending, the typical plot twists, the usual story lines.  What would a movie with untold realism be like? Does anyone want to see the guy not get the girl? Does anyone want to watch the heroines life turn to dust as his loved ones suddenly die? Is the harsh realism in life better left untold, and pushed far away into the depth of your subconcious… At any given moment their are millions of other entities, life beings, frames of reality, and at any moment one of thease realities could collide…. how much of your life is left not under your control? Where are you being led in life? Can i really believe in and leave a life led by fate? destiny? Everyone elses reality will affect my own, how much control do I have then?

 What do I hope to gain out of life? There are tons of questions in this passage.  Im sad that I lost everything i posted earlier, but Im glad I will have this in replacement, something completely different.  This passage will be a reminder to copy everything I write into a backup file.  It will also show what I hope future passages to be like.  I want to ask myself lots of questions, and then answer them.  What questions would i ask to figure out the depths about a person? Now how can I ask these questions of myself?  What do I hope to achieve? Where do I hope to travel too? What do I want in a woman? What do I want in any relationship? What values in people do I respect? How much respect will I have for myself? What standards and expectations will I set of people in my life? What do I want in my social circle? What is love? Pair bonding? How unromantic.  Romanticism? Is it false hope? Have I killed the cheap romantic within? Questions, a beautiful thing. This question mark is going to be worn out on my computer. Fuck it. In the blink of an eye, I will have never existed, barely left a mark on the world. I will be dead and gone, the people I know and love, dead and gone, just a faint memory, or a name to be slowly traded around between family. Yet I am really happy with life. Perspective. Honesty. Ego.

Lynn Shawcroft, beautiful, strong woman.  Just read her entire blog.  She is the widow of famous comedian “Mitch Hedberg”. Learning more about Mitch really makes me think. I thought this entry was really powerful.

I think back to how I was feeling at that time. It’s blurry and gut wrenching, and so easily conjured up. It’s hard to lose a Hedberg. Hard act to follow.
I have a hard time realizing that it’s real sometimes. I think about all the things I would do just to see him again. I’d go blind, swim the Atlantic, stop sucking my thumb, swallow an airplane…… never breathe again. If only these or any actions would work.
This is too fucking hard.

There are good days, where I can think blissful thoughts about my husband. I can cheerily recount moments and jokes. Gaze happily at his photos and really appreciate who he was and what he accomplished. Every day I miss him so much it hurts. Ther are days I realize how immpossible this is going to be. Days that I acknowledge that I was lucky to know him. Actually, there are all kinds of days,

all trying and all exhausting…

…I was so happy that Mitch was sitting across from me I started to cry . I reached over to hug him and then I woke up.

Just read a bit about the history of Socrates, and his amazing story.  How much dedication to his own reality did it take to accept his fate instead of renouncing his thoughts.  Socrates always asked questions… he was famous for being the old guy that walked around Athens asking people questions about things they considered common sense.  Socrates was patronized his whole life for asking these questions, and hated when he proved people wrong.  He would constantly change peoples common sense beliefs, whether it be about courage, ethics, success, prosperity, etc.  Then because three people decided they didn’t like him meddling around “with their thoughts” they brought trial against him, one that was intensely unfair and one that proved Socrates existence as a whole right.  The reason socrates is so famous is that he set the principle, he made it okay for Philosopher for ages to come, to ask questions, he showed that the popular opinion was not always right, and led the path for many to change the way we think today.

After he was unjustly accused guilty and sentenced the death penalty, he was asked to renounce his “beliefs” or what he called philosophy. All that he had to do was follow popular opinion and he would be allowed to live.  He chose to drink the cup of hemlock, and die gracefully as his friends and family looked on in tears….  Socrates is the symbol of unpopularity.  He knew and believed in his own thoughts, when everyone around him thought him wrong.  He knew that logic would eventually prevail and after death would be shown to be right.  I hope to have this much conviction in my thoughts, and be able to back up everything I do in life with this much confidence.  I only hope to learn a small amount that Socrates did about popularity, and learning to travel the unpopular path…. I’m off to meet Akeef for some lunch so I’ll stop rambling now. Just some thoughts.

Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment. Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life. Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.  Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.  Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone. Make your happiness the number one thing in your life.  Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. 
I have alot of work to do.

Believing is seeing.  Your thoughts make up who you are and what you become.  The universe conforms to my reality.  Learn to focus on WHAT YOU WANT rather than WHAT YOU DON’T WANT.  Anything you want can be yours, anything you don’t want can also be yours.  Put your effort into things you want for your life, things you want about yourself. Be grateful. Gratitude.  Find a rock, one thats small enough to fit in your pocket.  Keep it with you everywhere, and every time you see it or think about it, take a second to think…. What am I grateful for? What is good about what is happening right now? What is good about where I’m at right now? …. Learn to be positive, because it takes just as much energy to be positive as it does to be negative.  Whether your life is wonderful or horrible is a distinction based solely on choice.  You have decided what HAPPENS to you.  VISUALIZE what you want, LIVE what you want, FEEL what it is to be happy.  Ultimately your happiness will drive you to success.  THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO BUT UP, IF YOUR ALREADY HAPPY WITH ANYWHERE YOUR AT.  Your dreams and aspirations, become realities and objects, based on focus and action.  Miracles happen, put yourself in a place where Miracles happen, put yourself in a place where Miracles happen to you, put yourself in a place where you CONTROL Miracles.  EVERYTHING and ANYTHING is possible.  Do you really believe it?

The thousands of wise men and women before you, the famous quotes all around, why are they still remembered, dont you think they knew something?

Believing is seeing.

The Universe is your Genie, and all it ever says is “Your wish is my command.”

Your wish, is my command.

Just finished watching the snowboarding movie “First Descent”.  It was a movie about several pro snowboarders, some new, some old (Two 18 year old kids considered to be the best in the world, FRIGGIN 18 years old, what are you doing with your life?)… making a conquest to ride some of the last mountains to never be ridden before.  I wrote this message to Sean shortly after watching the movie:

 ORBITAL    264: the possibilities in your life are endless sean, had you made 1 different choice previously, at this exact moment in time you could be standing on top of a mountain no man has snowboarded before, you could be the first person to ride that mountain.  The fresh air, the adrenaline pumping, exhilirating feeling of being the explorer, being the pioneer, all because you made ONE different choice. What choices did you make today?

 Just reflects how I felt after watching the movie…. inspired …. frustrated …. amazed.  It’s just inspiring to think about how ENDLESS the possibilities are for your life, had you decided to go snowboarding with some friends, you could become the worlds greatest snowboarder.  How different is Shaun White’s reality than mine? He’s 18 years old, and he sees a mountain that no one has ever had the balls to ride before, and he says “Fuck it, I’m going to do it.” ACTION, once again making the difference between champ and chump.  Eighteen Years Old and he decides hes better than any man before him.  Amazing things the body and mind can do together.  The only problem? Making my own life one worth remembering… Making my life a life full of  ACTION rather than INFORMATION.  Why am I not amazing at Snowboarding? Why am I not a proffesional Sky Diver?  What other things have I left to experience in life, and how many days do I have to experience these things? I don’t think I have enough time, so how can I rationalize what Ive been doing as of lately? Sitting around, barely paying attention to my studies, passing by, getting this “Paper” degree….. All for what? To please OTHER people, to convince SOMEONE ELSE that I’m good enough to be hired?  I can’t help like their’s some sort of an EGO issue, when Im working to please other people, so that I can work for them.   Hard to put into words, but thats exactly why I’m writing more often, to learn how to put things in my head onto paper.  I feel I have alot to live for, and I have alot I can leave this world.  Somewhere along the line, I’m going to be considered a Pioneer….. In what? ….. Who knows? ….. but I will make my mark on this world.  The Key? ………………..ACTION……………………