Jason::Adams

Pretty frustrated right now.  Just contemplating how I really want to go about my life and friends.  What kind of friends do I really want in my life?  In the end life can get real lonely, so am I really supposed to push away the friends that are negative, that aren’t conducive to the future I want? Don’t friends have more value than that? Everyone knows that whenever you want to improve something in your life, or change something, you change the friends that do your old habit. Wanna quit drugs? Don’t hang out with druggies. Wanna be successful? Hang out with successful people.  But then what happens to the connections and friends you had that don’t or didnt have a purpose? Are you supposed to just lose them?  This seems rather narrow to me, because any friend usually brings joy to your life.  I love the individual personalities my friends have, and be it they may have negative things that could possibly hold me back, Couldn’t I just rationalize to myself that its only making me stronger? Learning to deal with the negative qualities? I have friends that make me laugh, but then at other times make me feel like shit.  Am i supposed to search life looking for those true friends, where you can be deeply honest with each other, and share that deep connection of camaraderie… I’ve never been able to cut friends out of my life, but there have been clear times when I should have.  I consider it an advantage in my personality that I don’t hold grudges for long, but then again a weakness because I continue to be fucked with.

Why do so many people have a lack of respect for the one true thing you can admire about everyone?

It’s a shame that you have to sugarcoat who you are and what you believe in as a person.  Constantly throughout life, people adjust the descriptions of things about themselves, they misguide the truth, sugarcoat reality.  White lies, exaggeration, etc.  Is this all not just a fear of unacceptance?  Is their anyone that stands true and believes in themselves whole heartedly.  I’m sure my logic was faulty, but I remember when i was younger going through a phase where I didn’t want to lie, I just wanted to speak truthfully about everything. It got a little out of control and I ended up confessing to and trying to rationalize that I had gotten into drugs with my parents. Obviously any rationalizing i was doing got lost because of their innate nature, or draw towards protecting their child.  My confession though ended up being probably one of the best things that happened to me, as it taught me the value of my family, what it’s like to have those closest to you dissapointed and sad for your choices.  In the end if you want to be true to yourself completely, you will have to sacrifice just about everyone but you, yourself. It’s tough constantly trying to “protect” those around me, by lieing. I don’t like lieing, its something i used to do compulsively as a kid and it ruined my friendships and probably changed who I am today. Some may say that its not lieing if its for the good of the other person, or may rationalize to themselves that it was only exaggeration, but in the end, if you are scared to say exactly how you felt, how you saw, how you experienced, it is an alteration of the truth.  That alteration of the truth, seems to me, just to be a fault in the person, a noticed in adequacy, solely based on the fear of rejection or being unaccepted. This probably relates back to our tribalistic nature, 10,000 years ago if you didnt have your family, your friends, your TRIBE, you probably died. Wandering the amazon lonely is not a good idea.  With our culture today lonesome and individual survival isn’t really a problem, so why are we clung to our old time ways.  This has been an incoherent and probably illogical rant. But atleast their is some big words.